So this morning I was in the kitchen, making coffee cake for a MOPS steering meeting, when this thought popped into my head…… “How do I determine or decide whether things are “good” in my life?”
Let me back up a little bit.
Lately I have been struggling with…… Wait, I’m lying, I have been struggling with this for years, probably most of my adult life… not understanding why my life isn’t a certain way. It is hard to explain in words, but I seemed to be perpetually disappointed with life. I mean, not all the time, but regularily disappointed with how my life is. Unless I am trying hard to see things differently, I am a glass half empty person. And one thing I am realizing about myself is that usually that disappointment is focused towards God. “Why he isn’t working things out the right way or why He is allowing things to happen the way they are.” You may not see me as this person, but if I am really honest with myself and with you, since I am putting this out there for all to see, I struggle with this.
When things are out of my control, which is pretty much how most of life is, I seem to struggle the hardest. So, these last few weeks have been hard. Ethiopian courts opened two weeks ago and I thought we should just sail right through, get on a plane to get “E’ and be done with it. We are working on a new business venture and I thought it would all be coming to fruition at the beginning of the month and then it would be smooth sailing. We would get back to normal life, not this limbo land that we seem to be in all the time. Funny, maybe this is normal life????? But non of these things have happened the way I have wanted them too and what happens to me? I get frustrated, uptight, and disappointed. I have been a bundle of frustration for the last few days.
During my prayer time, which is also my early morning walking time, I have been talking to God about this situation and what He has told me is, “Traci, your need for control and to have your life “right” is completely undermining what I am trying to do. You, Traci, are telling me in so many ways that you do not trust the plan I have for you. You, Traci, think you know better, well, just look at some of the decisions you have made in your life. Were they the best for you? Why don’t you sit back and let me do the work. Surrender you hopes and dreams to me. Surrender you life to me. Surrender this adoption and your boys to me, they are mine anyway. Surrender your desire or “need” for normalcy to me. Just TRUST me.” I have been hearing these things over and over the last few days and so this morning when I heard that questions, I had to answer. I determine if my life is “good” based on whether the events or circumstances in my life are going the way I want them to. Wow! What a revelation to me.
So as I lay my selfish nature out before the Lord, I am going to begin to train myself to surrender moment by moment my feelings of disapointment and dispair over circumstances. Sometimes I might need to surrender daily other times I am surrendering minute by minute. Do you have to do that too?
God has spoken to me through Ecclesiastes 3, the Time for Everything chapter, but particularily verses 11- 13. God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. So I concluded that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to enjoy themselves a long as they can. And people should eat, drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God. Amen?
Wow. That was a powerful post. Thank you for sharing this. I really identified with your words.
– Ruthie
Your honesty is refreshing. It IS hard to trust, but that is what our Father wants us to do. He loves us more than we can ever imagine. God is good all of the time – no matter what the circumstances yell. He is working in and through you. Bless you as you trust Him.
Mom
This Traci is probally something many of us struggle with flesh! You are not the only one who struggles with wanting a certian life that may be diffrent from the plans the Lord has for us. Its seems so stupid of us to even think our plan must be better, since He knows it all. Yet, every day its a battle of wills, and they only thing he calls us to do is trust. Thank you for sharing the insight to your heart.
Amen Traci! We cannot determine our happiness based on our circumstances. Funny thing is I was doing the same thing when we relocated to Utah. I was miserable, and I blamed it on being out here. I soon realized that happiness comes from within and we must be content because we have a wonderful Saviour who loves us and cares for us so very much, and only wants the best for us! Thank you for sharing that! Keep the faith that God’s timing is perfect!
you know the truth and you also know that it will set you free. thanks for your vulnerability and willingness to follow through tough spots. you and your brother are such an inspiration to me and after all we have been through as a family you both still put it out there for the Kingdom and for the glory of the Father. nothing could make me more proud of you.
blessing is here and more is coming. loved the pictures today.
dad
Amen! And, isn’t that just “Further up and deeper in?” Our Lord gives to us His best, but we fail to realize it is also our best. Rest is the hardest when we want action, joy is hardest when we want justice, peace is hardest when we want to know why. Yet these are the things he calls us to. You are learning such wonderful things that will carry you through harder things to come. I am still learning and I don’t think we ever stop till we are changed from here to there. His plan, not ours, is the best plan. How grateful we are that you listen to our Heavenly Father and are such a good support for Brandon and good mom for Sloan and Sean. We love you and pray for you.
Grandma A
[...] morning meanderings. Vol.18 Another beautiful Monday in Western Oklahoma. Clear sky, brisk temps and a great place for a morning walk. Can’t ask for a lot more [...]